:'(

im just bored

and lost

and i miss my mom

and i miss nana

and i dont know who i am

and i miss who i used to be

and i cant feel anything

and im numb

and idk what to do

and i want to feel something again

and we dont do anything anymore

we dont watch funny movies

or make up new jokes

or say our old ones

and i dont want this to die

cause we’re so bored

and i hate myself

and everything about myself

im sick of being depressed

and being sad all the time

and sleeping all the time

and being the lazy fuck that i am

and i miss my car, and driving around when i got bored

and singing real loud

and being able to get away when i want to

and im scared we’re falling apart cause we’re so bored and sick of being here, like it’s wearing away the outside of this relationship

and i miss being able to get liquor whenever i wanted to, and anything else i wanted whenever i wanted it

and i miss people talking to me all the time,

no one talks to me besides your family,

just everything

i think it's so fucking pathetic how you keep telling me over and over that you're going to quit, you're going to quit, you're going to prove it to me, you're going to show me, you're going to prove me wrong, blah blah blah, and you're just full of shit.

absolutely fucking pathetic.

like i said, don't even bother telling me you're going to quit, i ignored you when you told me that last night for a reason, because it's not fucking true.

my girlfriend is a pothead.

the hill.

i don't understand why it's SO fucking hard for someone to love someone else ALL THE TIME.

what's the point of hurting me for no reason?

for leaving me?

auld lang syne.

i am quite fully convinced that no one, no one, will ever love me as much as I love them.

people don't know what love is.

they just don't.

if someone says they do, they're lying.

i am so hopelessly in love, again.

with a girl this time.

Nichole.

i'm so in love i can't breathe.

well.

haven't blogged in a hot minute.

lots of shit has been traveling around my mind.

i might just get on here daily and stating my mood.

because it's basically s.s.d.d.

doctor's on monday.

not like a therapist, but like a medical one.

mom wants to get me all checked out to make sure i'm healthy.

blegh.

i fucking hate doctors.

need a job.

need to find happiness.

need to sign up for classes.

need to find a reason to live.

a reason to remind me everyday of why i should be alive.

i can't help but forget.

i was riding around today and this sentence popped into my head.

i'm constantly thinking of different ways to start a book.

cause you know the first sentence is the most important.

i don't really know if this would make for a good starter, but it just popped into my head.

i'm just a fucked up little girl on a constant search for a reason to live.

nom nom nom.

this social anxiety is crippling.

i don't know how it got this way.

my therapist says it's part of being bipolar.

but i've never felt this way before now, so i'm not really sure about all that jazz.

but i can't stand this.

goddd i hope my medication starts kicking in real soon.

word around the office is that it might not start working for another 2-4 weeks.

christ.

jesus h.

fuck.

mm perkins muffins are to die for.

delicious.

if i hadn't consumed the thing at a rapid pace, i would have taken a picture and posted it on here.

like you all fucking care what my effing muffin looked like.

or maybe you do.

bahaha.

either way, it was delicious.

and now i'm filled to the brim.

fucking doughnut.

i hadn't eaten for two days straight.

i still haven't slept.

i shouldn't have eaten that FUCKING DOUGHNUT.

wish me a happy valentine's day when you call.

ahh, Valentine's Day.

it just reminds me of Eternal Sunshine.

if you've seen it, you'd understand.

if not, then you need to get off your ass and fucking watch it.

snow's on the ground.

what the fuck?

I'm feeling pretty good.

i'm not sure if my medicine is starting to kick in or not, but either way i don't really care.

i didn't sleep last night.

that's always lovely.

collages.

magazine clippings.

glue sticks.

the works.

spent the night with beautiful people.

Soleil McAuley.

Jeff Havens.

Mike Havens.

Billy [i can't spell his last name], but he's beautiful all the same.

i don't feel lonely.

surprisingly enough.

it's just...

i want to be able to really feel something again.

hope.

there's got to be someone.

someone well-rounded.

someone to travel with.

i've got a whole fucking list.

there has got to be someone out there that will make me want to live.

i'm trying so hard not to give up all hope.

he's got to be out there.

i just know it.

or at least i keep saying that to try and convince myself of the fact.

i don't know what to think anymore.

or maybe that's just my bipolar speaking.

who the fuck knows.

i don't.

now this all makes sense.

well, most of it.

yesterday i finally got officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

which pretty much explains everything that i've been going through lately.

i don't really know what to think of all of this, but it's somewhat comforting to finally have a label to put on it, so i can stop just going around excusing myself for things that i do, claiming that i'm "just crazy".

well.

now that i'm home, i've found that i have a lot of free time on my hands.

i'm so scared that i'm going to gain weight, due to my boredom.

god help me.

god help us all.

cah-rishhhtttttttt.

i'm trying to occupy my restlessness with decorating my new room, which I will provide you all with a picture pretty soon.

It's defintely not through yet, but i'm working on it.

and by "i", i mean my mother and i.

home again, home again.

so i have officially returned home.

to summerville.

or hell.

whichever, whichever.

i'm torn.

i'm lost.

i'm confused.

my entire world has been torn apart and flipped around and upside down and just vomited me back up.

i'm so out of it.

i charged my new tattoo, as seen in my previous post.

thus resulting in my father canceling my card.

fuck it.

Not only am I impulsive, but I'm restless as well.

ahh yes, I am restless.

Truly the perfect word to define me.

I'm restless concerning everything.

I'm restless:

• in general
• concerning careers, i couldn't imagine just having the same career for years and years and years.
• concerning locations, i always want to be moving, traveling, exploring new places, meeting new people, seeing beautiful sights all around the world
• concerning everyday life, basically. if i get in my mind that i want to do something or go somewhere, i can't wait too long to do it or go, i get too anxious and restless.

so this is the reason.

and don't worry madre, a t-shirt covers this, as does my hair, anyway.

auld lang syne.

"girl's gotta eat"

this is my official last full day living at Winthrop.

i'm going to miss my best friends here more than i can possibly fathom.

we had some amazing times and formed a bond that i could only hope to come across again in my lifetime.

Nichole Lee and Brett White, I love you too so so so much, i can't even describe the love i have for you two.

"i loved al lipshitz more than i can possibly say."

i hate to leave you two, but I've got to do this for myself.

i know that we'll meet again in the near future.

you can't break a bond like this.

i'm finishing up some scrapbooking.

listening to alanis.

waiting till around one o clock to see if the Bookworm is open.

i've got some books to sell.

so then hopefully i'll be on my way to gettin another tattoo.

yes.

and if you ever get so lucky as to ever meet

and befriend these two individuals, you've

stumbled upon something completely miraculous,

don't take them for granted.

<3

this too, shall pass.

i'm beginning a new chapter in my life.

leaving college.

returning home.

starting up on medication for my anxiety and hopefully it will help with my depression.

i'm going to a facility for a little while.

only 6 days i believe.

therapy.

i'm going to take some photography classes.

get matching tattoos with my madre.

work on some things.

work on myself.

gain motivation.

lose my doubts.

it's going to be good.

it's going to be all right.

this too, shall pass.