:'(

im just bored

and lost

and i miss my mom

and i miss nana

and i dont know who i am

and i miss who i used to be

and i cant feel anything

and im numb

and idk what to do

and i want to feel something again

and we dont do anything anymore

we dont watch funny movies

or make up new jokes

or say our old ones

and i dont want this to die

cause we’re so bored

and i hate myself

and everything about myself

im sick of being depressed

and being sad all the time

and sleeping all the time

and being the lazy fuck that i am

and i miss my car, and driving around when i got bored

and singing real loud

and being able to get away when i want to

and im scared we’re falling apart cause we’re so bored and sick of being here, like it’s wearing away the outside of this relationship

and i miss being able to get liquor whenever i wanted to, and anything else i wanted whenever i wanted it

and i miss people talking to me all the time,

no one talks to me besides your family,

just everything

i think it's so fucking pathetic how you keep telling me over and over that you're going to quit, you're going to quit, you're going to prove it to me, you're going to show me, you're going to prove me wrong, blah blah blah, and you're just full of shit.

absolutely fucking pathetic.

like i said, don't even bother telling me you're going to quit, i ignored you when you told me that last night for a reason, because it's not fucking true.

my girlfriend is a pothead.

the hill.

i don't understand why it's SO fucking hard for someone to love someone else ALL THE TIME.

what's the point of hurting me for no reason?

for leaving me?

auld lang syne.

i am quite fully convinced that no one, no one, will ever love me as much as I love them.

people don't know what love is.

they just don't.

if someone says they do, they're lying.

i am so hopelessly in love, again.

with a girl this time.

Nichole.

i'm so in love i can't breathe.

well.

haven't blogged in a hot minute.

lots of shit has been traveling around my mind.

i might just get on here daily and stating my mood.

because it's basically s.s.d.d.

doctor's on monday.

not like a therapist, but like a medical one.

mom wants to get me all checked out to make sure i'm healthy.

blegh.

i fucking hate doctors.

need a job.

need to find happiness.

need to sign up for classes.

need to find a reason to live.

a reason to remind me everyday of why i should be alive.

i can't help but forget.

i was riding around today and this sentence popped into my head.

i'm constantly thinking of different ways to start a book.

cause you know the first sentence is the most important.

i don't really know if this would make for a good starter, but it just popped into my head.

i'm just a fucked up little girl on a constant search for a reason to live.

nom nom nom.

this social anxiety is crippling.

i don't know how it got this way.

my therapist says it's part of being bipolar.

but i've never felt this way before now, so i'm not really sure about all that jazz.

but i can't stand this.

goddd i hope my medication starts kicking in real soon.

word around the office is that it might not start working for another 2-4 weeks.

christ.

jesus h.

fuck.

mm perkins muffins are to die for.

delicious.

if i hadn't consumed the thing at a rapid pace, i would have taken a picture and posted it on here.

like you all fucking care what my effing muffin looked like.

or maybe you do.

bahaha.

either way, it was delicious.

and now i'm filled to the brim.